Holidays bring Strength...without attending gym

  A beautiful Merry Christmas Season to you all!  We are in the phase of this holiday that brings a reminiscent picture to the mind of all that we had thought the festivity of this time of year might bring and are rounding the corner into a look forward at the New Year...

  This year I am reveling in the fact that we are rounding the corner...  Not gonna lie, the home run stretch of this calendar year has been grueling for my family.  My husband, Steve, hurt his back right around the time the scent of sharpened pencils filled the air and big yellow school buses were making a re-appearance after a long summer.  We went through a terrible crisis of not knowing if this injury was THE injury that would not only be the straw that broke the camel's back but might disable my husband's as well.  Time would reveal that his injury was acute and not permanent but his doctor would dictate it was time to find something less stressful on Steve's frame than construction company he spent thirteen years building.  Now, I don't want to focus on the fact that this was supposed to be MY year.  After seventeen years of rearing seven children my youngest was making her scholastic debut by beginning pre-school.  My family and friends had all asked, "Suz, what will you do with your time?" often enough that I had filled my mind with trips to the beach with easel and watercolors in tote, envisioned the toned physique that a free four-hour block five times a week could bring... if I hit the gym.  The possibilities were endless. 

  However, my life-experience should have prepared me for the tough road being paved over my field of dreams.  Don't get nervous-- I'm not going to have a pity party or throw a rant...I've already done that in private...buried under my covers...with a box of tissues....many times.  Yes, while my poor aching hubby's back rested on the couch while healing and his work truck was laid to rest until our eldest could devote his teen angst-driven energy to making it road-worthy I was chauffeur to all, nurse to hubby, and had become the go-to gal for whatever needed answered, mended, cooked, fixed, etc.  I have profound respect for the duties done by single parents.  In the meantime, our faithful Big Blue Chariot decided to pitch a fit and resign from it's duty of carting up to 15 passengers.  As a matter of fact, it flat out resigned without a moments notice and refused to carry even one passenger- which I felt was rude and insensitive.

  With the healing and career change research underway the pressure was mounting and I began to borrow some of the worry that had plagued my husband with sleepless nights.  Decisions needed to be made...life-changing, course-altering choices.  Perhaps that didn't appear to bring us to our knees so our beautiful children thought they could help with that and decided to act their ages...in this profoundly entitled culture.  Honestly, I can't even begin to share some of the "discussions" that I was subjected to...not necessarily involved in.  They did not get the "no rant memo."  I am pleasantly surprised I still have hair and the wrinkles that have been added to my face this year are deepened by loss of elasticity when one loses weight...that is a good thing right?  Lie to me.

  Anyway, interestingly enough...time does have a way of passing and bringing changes- like it or not.  You can be grateful I didn't drag you through the painful details on a daily basis but can announce that Steve did get a job with the City.  He's a few weeks into it so the awkward pangs of change are beginning to subside and he is chipper on most days when I pick him up in my NEW (to me) five passenger car!  I know right?  Dropping 10 passenger seats makes me feel like I'm slimming down in many areas of life. 

  I've learned first-hand and through real-life practicality that the season of Advent, which is the four weeks leading up to Christmas are a time of preparation and not a time to leap headfirst into the Christmas carols, and store ads.  An income-halting injury followed by a jobs lag in pay tends to "help" one focus on patience and preparation.  In retrospect, I can acknowledge these were GIFTS.  Admittedly- these dips and valleys in our journey are not phases we would CHOOSE... yet, as a wise priest said, "I think when you are elderly- you will look back on this time and be grateful for all that came out of these difficulties...it will take some time- probably when you are old and gray."  I appreciated that he acknowledged these WERE difficult times... as well as his assumption I would still have hair when I am old.  The adage seems to prove true: That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger. With all this "resistance training" that has naturally occurred, perhaps having free time to spend in a gym is overrated after all ;)

Mindful Monday

Mindfulness...the word calls to me.  The meaning sings to my soul.  I'm not even sure what it means....fully.  But, I'm on the path to discovering how it will set me free yet keep me grounded at the same time.  I picture it to mean living in the moment, breathing in the possibilities that exist if you can just SEE them right before your clouded eyes.


  Funny how in my mind I frequent the question of "What would I get if I were to ever get a tattoo?"  Interesting...yet not so funny, is that I've considered the word MINDFUL on several occasions.  I think it'd be a great reminder to not let life pass by without marinating in the moment.  To really look at the little people calling, "Mom..Mama... Mommy... Mother... Moooom..." whilst tapping me on the arm as I'm trying to get dinner ready...ok- fine, checking my phone would be more accurate.  I've had the best days when I actually get down on my knees and look in those eyes.  Sometimes it takes them so much by surprise they forget what they were tapping me for in the first place.  I think they just like to say Mommommommommommommom til it's a rhythm in their head and doesn't even sound like a name- when they add the poke or tap that is their contribution to the world of interpretive dance.  It could mean, "I want a cookie, can I color my face with a marker, will you help me with my homework, where is my squirrel trap, can I go to Emma's, why are you laughing, can Brett come over, are you crying, did you know the dog is eating my cookie...can I have another one?"

  I believe being mindful is also about staying in communication with the gentle guiding that leads us throughout our day.  If we can do this we will have accomplished a greater purpose- perhaps followed an intuition that told us to compliment the woman in the gym who wears the Wonder Woman tank and has been completing her laps in record time.  (Yes, I pay attention.) Or maybe it's listening to that soft urging to call my sister and ask how she's been.  Maybe it's to throw the concept of being Mindful out to you- so that you won't miss out on what this day has to offer with all it's surprises and wistful dreams.  We can be mindful together...as long as it's with the understanding I called the tattoo first!

  I'd love to hear what being Mindful means to you- feel free to leave a comment.  You can even picture that you're tracing a note with your finger on my wintry salt-crusted van...if it's longer than the average "wash me" you may want to pretend I've left a scroll of paper  with a pencil dangling from a twine cord for you to leave me a note...  if you have any desire to write on your face with marker- I'll even loan you the word Mindful--though just for today- however, if you should choose to do this...please post a picture as well.

Scare with a Silver Lining

  "Sus, there's no silver lining in this!"  These were the words delivered by my husband after the police officer left our house on Saturday evening. 

  My oldest son was the victim of a scam perpetrated by a drifter coming to our house while my eldest was home alone.  This stranger first craftily discovered that we weren't home then wove a tale depicting himself as a contractor who had recently spoken with my husband, who is a contractor by trade and had his truck with his logo parked out front.  He proceeded to paint the hard-luck picture that he had been towed through no fault of his own and needed $34 to get his truck back.  With the belief  this man was an acquaintance of his Dad and would return the borrowed money plus extra for inconvenience, my son decided to help this man.  He allowed the stranger in his car and drove him to the bank where he was further swindled into "just in case of taxes" money equaling a total of $50 of my son's hard-earned wages.  Out of the goodness of his heart my son then offered to drive this man to get his non-existent truck.  Thankfully, he declined with declarations of gratitude and "you've helped me out so much, man." 

  You can imagine that my jaw dropped incrementally with each frightening detail  until it hovered just above my kneecaps.

   After the police had been summoned (and recognized- turned out our officer was a relative of a relative...small world), reports taken of this 6'1", very well mannered man with a beard the drifter was located.  Of course he lied again- saying he'd return the money in the morning once his parents wired him funds.  Sad to say there was no resolution.  Legally there was nothing the police could do.  Our son had "willingly" handed money to this man.

  My son was angered at the thought of his lost funds.  My husband was horrified that this man had the audacity to come on our property and approach our child.  I couldn't stop the trailer of horrific "could-have happened" video from playing through my mind.  This scammer was in a car...alone...with my son- who drove him to a bank and used his debit card to withdraw money and hand it over.

  I hate that my son's trusting acceptance has been tarnished if not obliterated.  However, if he had to be swindled, at least it was in a non-violent manner that could perhaps stop him from being so gullible and hurt in the future.  The silver lining was in the golden cast of our son's Guardian Angel that answered the door with him and wrapped those wings around him on the drive to the bank and nudged that man on his way instead of accepting a ride elsewhere.  I am grateful this lesson on the hard-knocks of life cost  mere dollars, anger, frustration, and lost trust...and not the stuff of headlines that could have ruined us with tears for life.

  I share this with you to remind you to cover those you love with prayers for protection each and every day...and of course, to have those safety discussions that might prevent dangerous situations.  If there must be tough lessons learned...would that they be learned from "nice" bad guys.

Happy Thanksgiving!

  During our Thanksgiving meal (more like a feast!) we passed a candle around the table.  Each person present was given the opportunity to say what they were thankful for.  Family seemed to be the theme... 

  One by one- adults and children alike shared the bounty that flowed in their life.  I was moved by the numerous shout-outs to this big, huge, loving, welcoming, warm, crazy, fun FAMILY.

 There were giggles for the young-loves mentioned.  Tears accompanied the members we've lost.  Prayers for those gathered and others not able to join us.  We cheered our hosts and blessed the food...and dug in- to way more than the food.  Yes, we broke bread, sliced turkey, and doled out stuffing.  We also told tales, caught up on life, and cackled with hilarity.  

  Bellies were full and hearts overflowed with a chance to share a meal and time with those we love.


  May you have the profound blessing of being with those you love this Holiday Season- where Thanks is given for the many, many, MANY BLESSINGS that cover you and fill your life!

Just Right...or Just WRITE!

  But what if I have nothing to say?  Write anyway.

  But...what if my writing is awful?  You will make others feel really comfortable in their abilities.

  Ok- I can dig those responses to the voice that continues to plague my creative urge.  Plagued or not- I'm NOT stopping.  I WILL write until the words are no more... then..I.. will..squeak...out..a..few...more...syllables. 

Why?  Because I can.  And because it is a responsibility- a joyful one at that!

There is a certain freedom in realizing that perfection is overrated and just putting a thought out into the starry universe might actually encourage someone to leap their latest hurdle or perhaps put words to that haunting melody that won't loosen it's grip on free memory space- not even at 3 a.m.

  What are we waiting for?  Time to live our BEST lives now.

  I was looking at the fraying curtains hanging in my living room today and instantly thought of the crisp white linens I had been saving for summer- sadly, still packed in the storage bin in my attic.  Why are they packed away in my attic at the start of September?  Because I was imagining them hung when my walls are freshly painted and carpet is laid.  Such a silly thought- they weren't even brand new when I bought them.  Why not hang them and have crisp white curtains that freshen the room? 

  What good is waiting to WRITE until the wordsmithing genie grants that illustrious sentence which oozes chic and humorous undertones to the intelligent, deep, and thought-provoking wisdom we'd like to share with the world?  What if we wait to journal until the children have given us memorable events that we can pass on to their children's children?  What if we let minutes, hours, days, months, and years go by without recording a simple sentence that made us smile.  What if we forget that it's ok to JUST WRITE- especially when no one else will read it?  We will end up with blank pages and fuzzy memories of a distant day that held no importance to the grand scheme of life- except to that child that asks "Mommy, what did I used to do that made you laugh?"  One of my favorite journal entries is a simple recording of what I was doing in that very moment- Laying in bed at the close of day with my husband softly breathing beside me and my newborn son snuggled up close to my heartbeat.  I then sketched that moment (to the best of my sketchy ability) so I wouldn't forget the tenderness within those very minutes.  How grateful I am to have that memory, from ten years ago, to pull out.

  Perfection is a plague...the cure is simply- put pen to paper, paintbrush to canvas...heck..paper is fine too!  Lend your voice to the wind, let your feet leap about, share a thought with another soul, photograph your favorite scene, plant a seed and watch the miracle that unfolds, pick up that hammer and hang that picture you are storing on your spare room floor...will a bit of crookedness rob it of the initial surge of beauty that stirred your soul?  There's a reason the logo "Just Do It" was so grandly applauded-- our thoughts can stop what is meant to be enjoyed, shared, and lived out.  Perhaps still the thoughts and trust your instincts- have fun and Just WRITE!

  

Happy Birth-ing Day Mom!

It's my birthday...Yay to the past 43 years I've been on this Earth! 

It's my BIRTH day... an ode to the mother who pushed through the contractions, pain, and terrific storm that blew into the Cleveland area during the hours of my arrival to greet, kiss, and welcome her fifth born child.

  Mom...Mommy...Mother...Mama... you have the gift of Joy that enables you to see Faith when others see failure.  You are the mother of twelve children and you cherished us as greater than any physical wealth that could have lined your pockets, adorned your neck, ears, or fingers with costly jewels.  You valued LIFE above all the stress that could come with adding another to your table, home, or already packed station wagon... For this,  I thank you. You offered me my breath in order that I may fill my lungs with the hope of eternal life.  You fashioned my legs, hands, and feet that I may travel through this life bringing a bit of joy, sustenance, and comfort to others that I will interact with throughout my own existence.  You could have easily stopped being open to life after the first, second, third, or fourth child...and even after my own birth...yet you allowed twelve children to grow within your heart and home always knowing there was a greater plan than the thought of your own comfort.  You even gifted us with three more souls in Heaven that would pray for us to be able to one day meet them since they were to only see your womb before being called home.  How does one give thanks for something so grand as the opportunity to gaze upon stars, learn from the hardships and hilarities of a huge family, swim in oceans, lakes, and ponds, meet thousands of people from around the globe, drink in glorious sunsets, marvel at the moonlight, slink through misty gardens, dance across a flower-laden field...revel in life-changing relationships, and ultimately offer new life to this world through my own gift of motherhood.

Mom, I don't know that I can ever properly fashion the correct words to let you know I am so very grateful for your willingness to generously offer the gift of life to your fifth-born child. As your fourth daughter I know that there has always been a press on you for your time- I am in awe of your talents to bring fun to every day as I face my day-to-day mothering of my own seven children.  Thank you for the gift of my life.  Thank you for the gift of Faith.  Thank you for loving me into my adult life.  I love you Mom.  Happy Birth-ing day!    

I See Skies of Blue...

Summer is here!  Yes, HERE...as in "x marks the spot"!  Who would have thought that whilst we were still shoveling out the great-white North, the seedlings buried underground were busy doing their seedling business.

  And now, as temperatures soar and the skies turn a brilliant blue there is a hazy buzzing that fills the air somewhat sweetly (if you don't think about the fuzzy wood bees that are making that particular music).

 "All good things come to those who wait."  "Patience is a virtue." "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven."   "Turn, turn, turn."...and so on...

  Basically, I'm saying...it IS summer...officially SUMMER.  The summer solstice happened three days ago...soooo-- no take backs! 

  Cool ideas- not original...but fun:  ride bikes, swim in the lake or ocean (if desperate- puddles do count) , catch fireflies, roast marshmallows, build s'mores, go camping, tube a river, lay on the grass and point out bunnies and angels in the clouds (if desperate- anything can look like a rhino), eat a popsicle, have a campfire, teach a child a campfire song, catch a bull-frog or hand that task to a teen-age boy or brave four-year old girl, roll down a grassy hill, star gaze, find beach glass, go fishing, [insert your ideas here].

  Whatever you do to celebrate summer- do it with GUSTO and relish the moment!

  For...   “It was June, and the world smelled of roses. The sunshine was like powdered gold over the grassy hillside.” ― Maud Hart Lovelace, “Some of the best memories are made in flip flops.” ― Kellie Elmore,  “And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer.” ― F. Scott Fitzgerald


 

 

Frozen

FROZEN: It’s everywhere.  It’s captured the attention of the great, white Northeast as we are encapsulated within the “Polar Vortex.”  Its humor has attracted thousands of movie goers with the latest animated Disney movie to hit the big screen.  It has even wriggled deep into my very being … further than my skeletal structure which clatters with each brutal wind hurling itself against our windows.  Frozen has moved beyond making me cold…it has claimed my heart, emotions, and focus.  In my life I had become … FROZEN- stuck in a rut of inertia.

   Clearly, the weather had an effect on more than just my blue fingertips and visible steaming breath. Icy roads, two-hour school delays, school closings, and the biting winds were NOT the culprits behind my inability to think and move forward with ideas, joy, and a simplicity of being.  Deep within me I knew it was more than Seasonal Affect Disorder- a negative dip in emotions affected by lack of sunshine.  We are particularly prone to that disorder in the Lake Erie region.  I was rooted in place for sure … but this disorder was not at the root of what was blocking my way to progress.  Yes, it had affected my mood … but the scope of my deep-freeze was more than emotions.

Well then, what was going on?  Seriously, this question was plaguing me.  “What is wrong with me?” I can’t seem to get myself together … something is off kilter.

  I had recently experienced wonderful momentum of reaching people with the launch of my first book, TRIUMPH.  This current feeling of being stuck was a stark contrast with the last few months. “Now what?” and “DO SOMETHING!” shouted at me on an internal repetitive track that was at once deafening and exhausting. 

  That was it … I was weary.

   I had grown frustrated and tired of not seeing a clear path before me.  I had not noticed that I had daily piled on “one more thing” to my plate.  With each new struggle: problems with the kid’s school, bills needing to be paid, feeling helpless with terminally ill family members, argument within the home ... etc.  “Lord,” I pleaded, “If you just TELL me  what to do…I will do it.”  It was the nagging “Do Something,” and not having a clue what “something” was that was dragging me further into a murky state of unrest.

  Ironically, in the midst of this dredge I had conversed with different friends and offered a bit of advice from an experience that had always brought me peace.  I suggested they take a QUIET moment and JUST BE with a song that takes them out of themselves.  “Don’t ask God for anything,” I had said, “just tell Him “I am here.”  Remember, He’s never stopped being there for you- this is just you saying here I am. And then let go … listen to His response.”

 
Last night I took my own advice … and the thaw began.   

  Weary from life and my own internal pest urging me on to something I could not grasp … I laid it down beside my frozen body, mind, and soul then turned up the song “Worn” by Tenth Avenue North.

 The ice which had held my heart captive melted and flowed from my eyes as I let go of my incessant need to DO SOMETHING … and trusted the Words of Be Still and Know that I am God (Psalm 46:10). 

  I was right … I had turned inward over the past few months.  As the external weather continued to chill I had tried to warm myself by my own sheer will.  I had used frenetic action- running from task to task to stay “warm” instead of seeking the Fire that burns in stillness and Peace.  The authority of I AM that IS, HAS BEEN, AND ALWAYS WILL BE had not moved … I had.  The further I strayed from His time frame of the seasons: Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall … the more confused I became.  I tried to set my own timing til I became frozen in a winter that lost sight of spring.

  Even as I look outside my window and see my garden covered in a blanket of chunky ice and snow … I know from years of experience that there is much going on beneath that frozen layer.  Even something as seemingly non-consequential as the breakdown of mulch which will bear fertile ground … is imperative if there is to be growth come Spring. I had merely lost sight.  I had forgotten the value of “just being.”  I had failed to trust that activity was happening beneath what I could see.  

  If and when you find yourself Frozen … find your song.  Allow your heart to soften and remember you need only to say … “Here I am.”  He’s been waiting for you.