Out of Control (by Diane Gallagher)

 Guest Blogger Wednesday :) The older my children get, the more I feel “out of control.”  Out of control of their preferences, their choice of friends, their bedrooms etc...  Granted, I still can “control” their actions by grounding them from x-box, tv, and other electronics, but I have very little to say about how they truly feel on the inside….and that is a scary feeling.  I look at their individual personalities, strengths and weaknesses and yes, I sometimes see Jim and I mirrored in them, for better or worse.  They also possess traits that neither Jim nor I exhibit, for better or worse.J  I suppose it is the whole nature vs. nurture phenomenon.  Even though my older children are only at the middle school/junior high level, they are beginning to develop crushes, particular tastes in music, and want to choose their own styles in clothing, etc.  It is so hard for me to shut my mouth and stifle the lectures as I desperately try to impose my preferences on them.  How challenging it is to let them be who God created them to be which may be very different from what I was expecting.  The whole process requires balance and prayer, as I’ve written in previous blogs, in order to determine which battles to fight, which causes are worth it, and which issues are salvation issues.

One small example of this is occurring in our household right now with my eldest son (I am fully aware that these issues get bigger as the kids grow up….can’t wait!)  He is a big music fan, often times preferring songs that would not be on the Christian music charts.  In fact, he is not really crazy about Christian music period, much to my disappointment.  I have purchased the WOW cd’s (a compilation of the top Christian hits of the years from various artists) so he could listen to a variety of music and scoured the iTunes store with him to try to come up with some songs he might like.  Unfortunately, he has found only one song that he has actually downloaded onto his iPod.  Our last ditch effort is coming up this weekend:  my husband, who is not a huge Christian music fan himself but sees the merit in it, is taking my three boys to the Creation Music Festival.  They will campout in our tent, eat over the fire, participate in some “extreme” sports – and listen to a plethora of Christian artists from every musical genre possible.  We figure that this might spark some greater interest in our boys, particularly our eldest, to see the musicians live in concert and get caught up in the festival hype.  Then it is time to let go.  Surrender.  It is out of our control. We have to allow our children to be themselves … not little Jim and Diane robots.  I realize that every parent will have a different limit that is between themselves, God and the child before they relinquish control.  “As long as you are living under my roof ” kind of thing.  It is so important to have those standards until our children reach adulthood.  The trick is to determine when we need to enforce and when we need to relinquish.  Forcing my son to “like” certain music is probably not going to be very effective.  I can tell him he is not allowed to download music with bad language or messages and he may not watch music videos that are inappropriate, but I cannot force my musical tastes on him.  This is when I must remember that my children are only mine temporarily.  They are gifts from God for my husband and I to raise and nurture the best we can, but they are ultimately His.  I must entrust them to Him….easy to say but hard to do.  The more I let myself move out of the driver seat, the more I can relax as a passenger.  It’s actually quite freeing to be “out of control.” J

"A" For Effort (by Diane Gallagher)

Guest blogger Wednesday : )

Before the end of the school year, I went to an academic awards ceremony honoring the highest achievers in 5^th and 6^th grade children in each subject.  I admit that I was hesitant to make this ceremony a priority as I was uncertain if my boys would win.  Having the three little ones with me, I definitely make choices and don’t get to all of the school events.  Regardless, I chose to attend and was glad that my boys’ names were called a couple times for various acknowledgments (and the smiles on their faces when they looked over at me made the effort worth itJ).  What pleased me even more was that the staff was not just honoring those with highest achievement, but they also gave an award in each subject to those who made the greatest effort.  I am a sucker for effort.  Whether as a teacher back in my pre-“married with children” days or as a mother in my current state of life, I respond much better to a child who makes great effort but fails than I do to the one who does something half-heartedly and somehow achieves success. 

Now, as a mother I often feel like a total failure…sometimes because I lose my temper or I am unhappy about how I handle a situation, other times because my children do something embarrassing or thoughtless that could not possibly have happened if his/her mother was a good parent!   But as I reflected on the academic awards in effort, I found great solace.  I have always told my children and friends that while I may only receive a “D” in achievement as a parent, I most definitely get an “A” for effort.  My husband and I have tried more discipline plans, more chore charts, more prayer schedules than one could fathom.  We have read books (not always so helpful…refer to earlier blogJ), gone on diets or tried to determine what we need to do to improve ourselves so we can be better, more patient parents. I wake up early to pray and put on the armor of God before the battles begin each day. We have joined bible studies, implemented new strategies…all to be better parents or bring more peace/order/faithfulness/love to our family life.   But we forget to keep track of the chores, and we lose our temper when they delete our videos off our flipcam or smash our ipad (true stories), and we let them watch too much TV or play too much X-box sometimes.  Then there’s that cookie I let my 2 yr. old eat right before dinner because I just can’t handle one more tantrum.  Not so successful in the world’s eyes.  Fortunately, Mother Theresa reminded us that “God doesn’t ask us to be successful ... just faithful.”  So I will not give up, though I am tempted to sometimes.   I will appreciate those occasional successes when a parent tells me how well-mannered and kind my son is or one of them gets 1^st honors or wins the student council elections.  And I will try not to crawl into a hole when my neighbor calls to tell me my son was climbing on the roof of our house or my 2 yr. old is running around naked in the front yard. “God doesn’t ask us to be successful, just faithful.”  I am faithful.  I know He is pleased with my attempts in spite of my failures, and I do believe He would give me an “A” for effort (though I might have a checkmark next to conduct).  I guess there’s always room for improvement!

Enjoy Your Children (by Diane Gallagher)

Guest blogger Wednesday :)

“Enjoy your children!”  These were the gentle yet firm words spoken to me by my spiritual director on more than one occasion.  Enjoy them?  How the heck am I supposed to do that?  I can easily be exhausted by them…or frustrated… or embarrassed by them….or get angry with them.  But enjoy them?  I have to cook and clean and do laundry and homework and change diapers and go grocery shopping and tend sick kids and pay bills.  Just exactly when am I supposed to enjoy them?  Having a children ranging in age from 1 to 12 also provides a challenge.  How do I do fun things with them that will satisfy the entertainment meter of my 5 yr old glamour girl and my 12 yr old “air soft freak” as he calls himself?  An impossible task, or so it would seem.  The perfectionist in me wants to come up with creative activities to do with my kids so we can “enjoy” each other (I used to do this more often when I just had my 3 boys).  Now I have no energy for creative activities.  It seems I am so task oriented that I take every free moment to get more work done.  I actually have to force myself to sit down and “play” with my kids sometimes (other than night and naptime stories or walks to our neighborhood park).  I think this is partially because I set my standards for enjoyment too high.  I do not need to have an afternoon to go to a movie with my boys.  How about 10 minutes to talk while I am doing dishes and my 9 yr old is sharing about his latest dodge ball game in gym class.  Or 15 minutes to play one round of Candyland with my 3 and 5 yr olds instead of trying to carve out a couple hours to go to a princess dance party.  These bigger events can be fun and important too, but I don’t need to forego the small ones just because I am attempting to plan the bigger ones, which are much less frequent.  To me, enjoying my children means laughing with them, appreciating their good qualities and talents, taking time to just be with them and come to know them better.  I know I will be sad one day that I didn’t take time to do this more.  The dishes will always be there.   I am looking forward to taking a cake decorating class with my 11 yr. old son, but I also need to appreciate watching my 7 yr old blast her way down the soccer field and my 1 yr old waddle across our kitchen floor clutching a cereal box that is as big as she is.  Enjoyment comes in many forms and that is my challenge – to find ways to enjoy each one of my children every day even if that means peeking in their bedrooms at the end of a long day and smiling upon their sleeping faces.  After all, St. Therese said “does a parent love their children any less when they are sleeping?  No, sometimes even more!” 

Footnote:  It was the end of a long, busy day and I was finally sitting down with a glass of wine, my paper and pen.  I was actually going to attempt to write my blog a little early and in a peaceful environment!  I was about half way through when my 11 year old shuffled in the room and asked if he could sit on my lap.  My first reaction (sadly) was to say no because I wanted to finish my writing, and I was on a roll.  Before the words could come out of my mouth, I realized that this was an opportunity to put my money where my mouth is and to take a moment to enjoy my son.  He does not sit on my lap often as it is usually filled by my 1 yr. old, 3 yr old or 5 yr old.  This was a rare moment to cherish, not brush off.  So I put my paper and pen down and enjoyed 5 minutes snuggling and chatting with my son, and then he was ready to move on.  I am so glad I made the right choice… and writing this blog is what helped me make itJ

TOADally Gross!

  Another true tale from the front line over here.

We've had our share of battles with fish tanks.  Our most disastrous was undoubtedly the 55 gallon tank springing a leak on our home office desk.  The leak was noticed about 2 minutes before the silicon seal gave way to a tidal wave soaking everything within a 5 foot radius.  I'm not exaggerating- it was probably a ten foot radius but I didn't want to over calculate and give away my poor geometry skills.  Suffice it to say even after suctioning with a wet/dry vac and saturating every bath towel we own their was still plenty of water left to drain through our hardwood floor creating a rainfall into the basement.  Poor fish- startled would probably not even begin to cover their "freak out" mode.  Not only had their environment been "disturbed" but the giant mouths and noses normally pressed up to the glass are now screaming and flaring.  If these fish spoke English they would understand how futile a command, "GET THE MOP!" really was.  I do believe these finned creatures were placing bets with their amphibian bookies over which was the worst fate: a) gasping for water to fill their gills while laying belly up on fluorescent pebbles while your buddies are clinging to life behind the fake castle where there's a tiny tide pool OR b) actually being caught by the Tupperware cup scoopers digging into those stupid fluorescent pebbles then being tossed into a Coleman cooler in the bathtub.

  It is my firm belief those amphibian bookies took the bets because they saw an even more terrifying string of events looming in the future.  Who knew slimy, webbed foot beings were clairvoyant?

Turns out the fish were fine...the amphibians in the 20 gallon tank resting on the boys room dresser upstairs...not so much.  "Toad"ally different story- sorry to keep "hopping" around- I don't mean to th-"wart" your focus.  Stick with me, I promise you'll find this story a "tad" (pole...get it?  I know, I don't want it either!) absolutely ribbeting..I mean riveting! (boooooo. stink!)

  A year after the living room flood Our 12 year old Stevie decided to add to his collection of three fire-bellied toads by introducing a couple small bullfrogs.  Now, I am aware Stevie is the master of all things Animal so I didn't second guess his blowing off my concern that the bullfrogs might try to eat the smaller toads.  Stevie was proud of the non-aggressive habitat he'd expanded.  Weeks later my son stomped up the stairs to show me his latest catch... a bullfrog approximately the size of a water buffalo.  Ok- slight exaggeration, however, the body alone truly was the diameter of a softball. Stevie grasped the bullfrog around it's belly and the legs dripped down to his elbow.  I followed him to the tank murmuring my concern about such a large hungry-looking frog being placed in close proximity to smaller toads.  I think my choice of words being "Isn't their a pecking order?" canceled any authority on amphibians I might have won had I said food chain.  Stevie plopped the monster in and I was struck by it's resemblance to Jabba the Hut- the slug looking giant of Star Wars fame.  (Go ahead and Google Jabba the Hut.  You'll be able to picture this frog!)

 Less than 24 hours later Stevie was rushing across the street in alarm to where his father was working.  His calm belied his words as he said, "Look Dad, I think it's time we harvest the Big One." He held up Jabba who had two little bullfrog legs dangling from it's clamped, wide mouth.  I'm only slightly ashamed to admit I was bummed to have missed it.

 One would think after having dinner rudely ripped from one's mouth and being given a second chance at life one might learn a lesson.  However, I suppose not if that one is a humongous, cannibalistic, greedy bullfrog who just ate the whole tanks supply of crickets!

A mere few hours later our family came to a halt as the cry for help bounced off the boy's bedroom walls!  A line literally formed as five of our nine members rushed to see the reason for the distressed call.  We were not to be disappointed.  We watched in fascinated horror as Dad sprung into action grabbing Jaba by the legs and whapping him "gently" against the tempered glass wall of the tank.  About three jarring "this is for your own good" love taps into the ordeal the beast's mouth rebelliously slackened and one of the prized fire belly toads limply slithered out.  I can not even begin to imagine that poor toad's state of mind.  I suppose Jonah of the Bible could probably enlighten us a bit...

I won't go into details but suffice it to say another little line formed around the fire pit in the backyard as "frog legs" were harvested.

P.S.  No actual Star Wars characters were harmed in the telling of this story.

“Preach the Gospel always ... use words when necessary” (by Diane Gallagher)

Guest blogger Wednesday :) Many of you have probably heard the saying from St. Francis of Assisi, “Preach the gospel always.  Use words when necessary.”  I love this phrase probably because I am not a good debater.  I have great ideas in my head, but if I am caught off guard and challenged, my words get all muddled and I have a hard time articulating my thoughts.  So the idea that my actions can be a form of preaching is a great source of comfort (also a little scary when my actions are less than Christ-likeJ).  I was given a great gift last year when a friend of mine shared a story of how my actions positively impacted another, and I had no idea!  I was at an ice skating rink watching my 6 yr old when a stranger and I began to converse.  I was expecting my 7^th baby at the time … and the usual conversation took place:  “Oh…is this your 2^nd baby?”  To which I replied, “Not quite … it’s my 7^th.” This response usually evokes a range of reactions from “Wow!  How do you do it?” to “Do you know how this happens?”  or “Are you done now?” to “You’ve got your hands full!”  Most of the time, people are pretty positive and friendly regardless of their initial reaction … and this was no exception. The woman turned to her husband and said “did you hear that?  She is expecting her 7^th baby.”  We continued gabbing for a couple minutes, but it was not a long conversation as the girls were finishing their lesson.  We exchanged farewells, and I never thought of the conversation again.  I did not evangelize or say how great it is to have 7 kids…. I even felt a little guilty that I didn’t say more.  I simply shared that we didn’t necessarily plan it but were trying to be open ...  that my husband and I both came from larger families and liked it.  That’s all.  I didn’t quote scripture or the Catechism.  I was just myself. 

Months later I was talking to a friend of mine (not one I see or talk to often as she lives about ½ hr outside of Erie), and she told me a fun little story.   She has some friends who have a couple kids and who thought they were done, but had recently been struggling with this and wondering if they should be open to more.  They shared that they had been at an ice skating rink and met a woman who was pregnant with her 7^th child.  Surprisingly, our little conversation and meeting seemed to affect them, and they decided to try to have more babies.  My friend thought of me and asked the woman what I looked like.  When she discovered that it was me, she was quick to tell me about it.  I was so grateful that she shared this chain of events as my husband and I were a little overwhelmed with the idea of having a 7^th and were still adjusting to what this would mean.  It was refreshing and humbling to see that our situation could help another person/family.  God gave me that little gift to encourage and affirm me … that my witness goes a long way.  I don’t always have to be the most eloquent speaker or informed debater (though God certainly uses those gifts in other individuals) to share His light and message.  I do not often feel worthy as I am so aware of my own faults and weaknesses, but God uses me in spite of my sins. You never know how your actions or simple words might be just the gospel message that the stranger, family member or friend needed to see/hear.  “Preach the gospel always.  Use words when necessary.”  St. Francis, pray for us.