TOADally Gross!

  Another true tale from the front line over here.

We've had our share of battles with fish tanks.  Our most disastrous was undoubtedly the 55 gallon tank springing a leak on our home office desk.  The leak was noticed about 2 minutes before the silicon seal gave way to a tidal wave soaking everything within a 5 foot radius.  I'm not exaggerating- it was probably a ten foot radius but I didn't want to over calculate and give away my poor geometry skills.  Suffice it to say even after suctioning with a wet/dry vac and saturating every bath towel we own their was still plenty of water left to drain through our hardwood floor creating a rainfall into the basement.  Poor fish- startled would probably not even begin to cover their "freak out" mode.  Not only had their environment been "disturbed" but the giant mouths and noses normally pressed up to the glass are now screaming and flaring.  If these fish spoke English they would understand how futile a command, "GET THE MOP!" really was.  I do believe these finned creatures were placing bets with their amphibian bookies over which was the worst fate: a) gasping for water to fill their gills while laying belly up on fluorescent pebbles while your buddies are clinging to life behind the fake castle where there's a tiny tide pool OR b) actually being caught by the Tupperware cup scoopers digging into those stupid fluorescent pebbles then being tossed into a Coleman cooler in the bathtub.

  It is my firm belief those amphibian bookies took the bets because they saw an even more terrifying string of events looming in the future.  Who knew slimy, webbed foot beings were clairvoyant?

Turns out the fish were fine...the amphibians in the 20 gallon tank resting on the boys room dresser upstairs...not so much.  "Toad"ally different story- sorry to keep "hopping" around- I don't mean to th-"wart" your focus.  Stick with me, I promise you'll find this story a "tad" (pole...get it?  I know, I don't want it either!) absolutely ribbeting..I mean riveting! (boooooo. stink!)

  A year after the living room flood Our 12 year old Stevie decided to add to his collection of three fire-bellied toads by introducing a couple small bullfrogs.  Now, I am aware Stevie is the master of all things Animal so I didn't second guess his blowing off my concern that the bullfrogs might try to eat the smaller toads.  Stevie was proud of the non-aggressive habitat he'd expanded.  Weeks later my son stomped up the stairs to show me his latest catch... a bullfrog approximately the size of a water buffalo.  Ok- slight exaggeration, however, the body alone truly was the diameter of a softball. Stevie grasped the bullfrog around it's belly and the legs dripped down to his elbow.  I followed him to the tank murmuring my concern about such a large hungry-looking frog being placed in close proximity to smaller toads.  I think my choice of words being "Isn't their a pecking order?" canceled any authority on amphibians I might have won had I said food chain.  Stevie plopped the monster in and I was struck by it's resemblance to Jabba the Hut- the slug looking giant of Star Wars fame.  (Go ahead and Google Jabba the Hut.  You'll be able to picture this frog!)

 Less than 24 hours later Stevie was rushing across the street in alarm to where his father was working.  His calm belied his words as he said, "Look Dad, I think it's time we harvest the Big One." He held up Jabba who had two little bullfrog legs dangling from it's clamped, wide mouth.  I'm only slightly ashamed to admit I was bummed to have missed it.

 One would think after having dinner rudely ripped from one's mouth and being given a second chance at life one might learn a lesson.  However, I suppose not if that one is a humongous, cannibalistic, greedy bullfrog who just ate the whole tanks supply of crickets!

A mere few hours later our family came to a halt as the cry for help bounced off the boy's bedroom walls!  A line literally formed as five of our nine members rushed to see the reason for the distressed call.  We were not to be disappointed.  We watched in fascinated horror as Dad sprung into action grabbing Jaba by the legs and whapping him "gently" against the tempered glass wall of the tank.  About three jarring "this is for your own good" love taps into the ordeal the beast's mouth rebelliously slackened and one of the prized fire belly toads limply slithered out.  I can not even begin to imagine that poor toad's state of mind.  I suppose Jonah of the Bible could probably enlighten us a bit...

I won't go into details but suffice it to say another little line formed around the fire pit in the backyard as "frog legs" were harvested.

P.S.  No actual Star Wars characters were harmed in the telling of this story.