"I've Got Your Back" (by Diane Gallagher)

Guest Blogger Wednesday :)

We were outside one humid Sunday – kids weeding the garden, tilling the soil, and getting ready to plant their seeds.  I was entertaining our baby so the others could focus when my husband called over, “did you put sunscreen on her?”  Overseeing sunscreen administration is not one of my strong suits which is a little surprising since I am a detail-oriented person who can easily get frustrated when Jim or the kids ignore the “little things.”  For some reason, I am all about sunscreen when we will be hanging around the pool for the day, but I neglect to tend to this when we are heading outside for an unknown period of time.  My husband, having overcome melanoma, is extremely diligent in this area so he rolled his eyes and smirked when I rushed over to get the bottle of Water Babies sitting nearby and quickly started lathering it on her.  I can get a little defensive in moments like this, but this time I was actually reminded of a story a wise and holy friend of mine once shared.  

She described a situation when her husband took care of something she had failed to do.  Instead of being annoyed with her, he was understanding and told her “he had her back.”  What a novel idea!  To look at our differences and instead of being frustrated or angry with our spouse’s opposite approach to a situation, we would appreciate and respect each other’s strengths and weaknesses.  I forget the sunscreen or break the vacuum belt three times in two months, and I don’t iron his shirts for work.  He offers gentle reminders or fixes the belt and irons the shirts.  On the other hand, he forgets to record his checks and receipts in my checkbook or doesn’t make the bed even when he is the last one up or leaves his shoes lying around the house, so I figure out the bank statement anyway, make the bed and put his shoes away.  Sometimes I need to repeat the mantra over and over:  “I’ve got his back.  I’ve got his back.”  It’s much easier to get annoyed and grumble about his failures or oversights, but where does that get me?  It is like adding gasoline to a fire  -- I grumble and it makes me more exasperated.  It certainly does not put the fire out.  However, adopting the attitude of a helpmate and reminding myself that these are not his strengths but they are mine does extinguish the fire.  This can apply to our relationships with our children as well.  Maybe I should begin each day not thinking about what I hope my husband and kids do for me, but what I can do to help them physically, emotionally and spiritually.  It’s amazing how just a  LITTLE mental shift can mean a BIG difference in a relationship.

Live It: Identify two areas where you have to cover your spouse's back and two where he/she has to cover yours.... and then try to have a positive attitude next time those differences come to light:)

Help meeeeee...PLEASE!

  Totally struggling here...  For three years now I've been working on a book about the experience we had with our seventh child who was diagnosed with Trisomy 18 while he was still in my belly.  This condition was termed "Incompatible with life,"  and that term proved true...incompatible with this physical life- that is.  We were able to enjoy our beautiful (yes, he truly- physically was a sweetie face- cutie pie!) son for two days and then went through some of the darkest moments of our lives as we said good-bye, mourned for, and buried this baby .  I'm sure I am still grieving to some degree- I don't know that a mother ever stops grieving a child she must bid farewell to.  I also know I've had some tremendous healing and made huge leaps and bounds in growth due to those times...
 
  HERE IS MY STRUGGLE and where I need your help~  I'm working on the fifth (at least) edit...by now the story has passed through a dozen people's hands.  I'm starting to doubt my words, thoughts, phrase-ology, sentiments.

  I KNOW mine is a sad story- shoot, I lived through it.  However, my intention in sharing our tale was to let other people know that even if they are going through a tremendously sad time in life or are facing a painful unknown- THERE IS MUCH GOOD THAT CAN COME from their particular struggle (such as the JOY that is even sweeter when balanced against tears) and the COURAGE that's built when fear which sought to tempt and overcome a soul into giving up- transforms into STRENGTH with a backbone of steel when that fear has been looked in the eye and faced down- then marched right over as that soul chooses to keep moving forward come what may!

  Three years after the actual events and I'm still re-reading my words and seeing the depth of sorrow from which I wrote.  I am literally reading the words "I cried" a zillion times in the manuscript....  So, I ask you, DEAR READERS- to weigh in and offer your advice on these two questions:

1) Do I inject more humor throughout the story to make this book more bearable... My rose colored lenses are a bit more polished these days and I acknowledge my view is not as melancholy (or perhaps there is an advantage to reaching others who are in the midst of a similar struggle right now?)
2) Should I recognize I'm just too close to the story and hand over the manuscript to an unbiased editor to guide the story or should I continue this torturous pace of re-reading and editing to offer views from where I am now in addition to my outlook while going through it?

I know you all are busy...I am simply asking (pleading, okay...downright groveling) for an itsy bitsy minute of your time to bring me out of my sludge of the writers Pit of Despaaair (total reference to The Princess Bride;)

Thanks Everyone!

When God Closes a Door ... (by Diane Gallagher)

Guest Blogger Wednesday :)  When I picked the kids up from school yesterday, one of my children entered the car with a heavy heart because he had not been chosen for something he had applied for.  I, as any dutiful mother, began to share with him about the times I ran for offices in high school and lost or applied for jobs that I did not get.  Looking back on these disappointments, I can see God’s hand at work with such clarity.  When I first moved to Chicago after college, I was frustrated and tired of the job search… I could just not seem to attain employment in an area that matched my qualifications, interests and talents.  I had a great time in the Windy City that year, but I certainly was not making any noble contribution to mankind other than financially supporting the local pubs.  Finally, I realized that I wanted to go into education which meant returning to the world of academia since I did not have a degree in this field.  I came back to my home town and received my teaching certificate and Masters in Education.    It was such a great feeling to finally be doing what I loved … And to be compensated for it!  In hindsight I can see that I had to go through that year of rejection and frustration to help me realize what I really wanted to do.  Again, when my husband and I were first engaged, we thought we wanted to move to Steubenville so he could finish his education.  I was willing to take any stinking job I could get that would put some money on the table, but I was rejected time and again.  This was humbling for me as I felt like a fairly qualified individual with good grades and a decent interview style.  After a third failed attempt at what I thought was a sure thing, I remember looking out of my parents’ kitchen window and seeing a mouse at the bottom of their empty pool (it was spring and they were preparing to fill it).  The mouse was trying to climb up the side to no avail.  I thought to myself…”the poor thing should just turn around and go up the steps that are behind him.  He’s going in the wrong direction!”  Silly as this may sound, God used this moment to open my eyes.  It was like a light bulb went off.  I realized at that very moment that maybe Jim and I were going in the wrong direction … maybe we were not meant to be in Steubenville at all.  I shared my thoughts with Jim and we decided to try a different route.  Within a week, I was sitting at a job interview in Akron and was offered the position soon after.  God had to allow these challenging situations so that we would get on the right path.  It is very hard to see this when we are in the midst of the struggle.  And it does not necessarily make the sting of rejection any easier to take.  I still get teary eyed for my “babies” when they are sad or disappointed even though I know that there is a purpose for everything.  I would rather go through the pain myself than watch my loved ones suffer.  But if we truly believe that heaven is the only goal that really matters, and that our road to heaven is laden with struggles, than we should be comforted on the journey when we encounter obstacles.  I am sure you have all heard the saying “when God closes a door,  He always opens a window” (any Sound of Music lovers out there?)  These closed doors can seem like monumental hurdles to get through if we just stay focused on one direction.  There might be an open window just waiting for us to climb through it, but we can only find that open window if we stop trying to break the door down and start looking in other directions.  

LIVE IT: Let’s take some time to think about our lives and if there is any redirecting we might need to do.

Balance (by Diane Gallagher)

Guest blogger Wednesday :)

Balance  – “an even distribution of weight enabling something or someone to remain upright and steady.”  Upright and steady, huh?  Sometimes I feel hobbled over from the weight of the world and quite wobbly from the daily roller coaster ride I am on.  I love the idea of being emotionally upright and steady.  The trick is that in order for me to feel balanced, I need to live a balanced life:  in my eating, my prayer life, my physical activity, my labor, my recreation (with kids and spouse) and my rest.  Don’t get me wrong – there are times when the scale is tipped to one side because it has to be.  For example, when I began a much needed diet to shed 13 years of pregnancy weight, I took some more extreme measures.  Balance was not achieving the results I needed to stay motivated so I followed a strict eating regimen and counted daily points.  During Lent, the scales are often tipped spiritually as we spend more time in Church, in prayer and in fasting.  And that is a good thing.  Someone training for a marathon (not a realistic dream for me) has to tip the exercise scale while she trains and focuses on getting her body in shape.  For a season. 

To peacefully live through the daily grind with the plethora of demands placed on me, I realize that a steady and upright Diane is best achieved through balance.  See, if I remained obsessed with my diet, I pour too much of my time and energy into this one area of my life at the expense of the others.  Or if I become too focused on getting my work done around the house (it never is), then I do not take the time to relax with my husband or I sacrifice my sleep. Let me reiterate that it is absolutely necessary to tip the scales at times…like last week when we were preparing for my son’s 1^st Holy Communion.  I spent every spare moment getting ready and definitely sacrificed sleep and cooking healthy meals (we went for simple instead).  But on a regular basis, balance works best for me:  daily morning and night prayer, exercising on the elliptical 3 – 4 times a weeks, allowing myself some treats without gorging on the whole package of Oreos, creating a realistic meal plan each week keeping in mind cost, time of meal preparation and tastes of my family members.  I have even learned to do couponing in moderation.  It would be so easy to spend hours looking for coupons or going from store to store in search of savings.  It is tempting, but not for me.  I spend about an hour planning my list and gathering coupons… and then I go to one store.  I may not be getting the best deals every week, but I have to balance the savings with the gas money and time spent driving around that I could be used for other things that would ultimately bring more peace to my day. 

For me, as a Catholic Christian, I constantly have to turn to God to ask for His help in finding and maintaining this highly sought after balance … and to let me know when I need to go off balance for a season or rearrange my priorities that have gone askew.  Sometimes He lets me know this just by the anxiety that will well up inside when I am out of whack.  Other times, the nudge might come from without – my husband or sisters or friends.  Balance is not a reality I achieve once and then have it forever.  It is a daily process but a goal that my husband and I truly desire.  As with most things, we are not always successful in achieving our goal, and occasionally we need to hold the other upright when the weight becomes too heavy and we are leaning to one side.  It is all part of the daily effort toward balance. Ultimately I have found that a more balanced mama is a happier mama…and I think it is safe to say that my husband and children all appreciate thatJ

Live It:  Keep track of what you spend your time on for one week…. Then look it over and see where your scales are tipped right now and how you might need to readjust.  Might be interesting.

Just a quick side note: Quick story…I stopped in at Confession today having already written my blog. After I confessed my myriad of sins including impatience and temper, the priest encouraged me to find more time for recreation and relaxation “prudently incorporated into my day.”  He felt that because I was running from one thing to another all day and not having much down time, I was probably more on edge and quicker to respond impatiently.  I smiled.  As you can see, I need to read my blog againJ  Just keep swimming, just keep swimming… 

I'm Back!

 Well...(silence in my brain with subtle undertones of piped in music at Tim Horton's in the background)...  Not quite sure where to start except to say that my life had entered the vortex of "discovering myself" and then went warp speed in the direction of the Bermuda Triangle where I feared if I ventured any closer I might never be heard from again...

  Do you remember that job I mentioned in an earlier post- the one I had taken on the spot without much thought? Well, even if you don't, suffice it to say I did not tentatively touch my big toe to the waters of what could be (in the working world)- but rather, I plunged with both feet into the puddle and danced with abandon like a child.  A few days doing the backstroke in my  shallow waters and I began to feel waterlogged.  A couple weeks of doing business, research, making contacts with other swimmers and I realized I did not have my life vest on and was in peril.

  I had developed a pattern of trying to sneak to my work pile and computer, only to be discovered and narked out to the rest of the family, "Mom!  You're here!  Hey guys, MOM'S UPSTAAAAIRS!!! I found her!"  Yes, that child was thrilled to be held in the hero's status complete with victory warhoops being sounded down below.  That victorious surge of energy lasted only until we made eye contact and the traitor slithered from the room leaving the deathstare to be suffered by those whose footsteps were now pounding up the stairs in hot pursuit of Mama.  Yes, I had reached new desperate lows during that brief stint that was bringing out my Jekyll and Hyde around the homestead.  I had my eyes squinting, teeth bared, finger pointing towards the nearest exit - "Look" down pat for the those business calls that were meant to be heard without children shrieking in the background.  I had also gotten pretty accurate in my aim with whatever shoe happened to be within arms reach.  I learned to put a spin on the lighter slippers but to hold steady with the firmer rubber-soled walking shoe.

  However, these were, by far, not my most important lessons learned.  I had gained a new appreciation for the days that used to feel like "just another day".  The day without anything scheduled became the backdrop for the volume to be turned up on the stereo and my "Sweetie baby honey lovie wanna squish your cute little cheeks" (daughter once known before work as my almost two year old) and I- to dance without any inhibitions.  I rediscovered the joy of giving a girl a mani/pedi during just such a day.  A week later and she's still holding out her tiny chipped nails for passersby to admire and ducking with a shy smile when they do!

  Yes, I don't regret a minute of the time spent on a "job".  I will forever be grateful to the woman who believed in my abilities with such a fervor she convinced me I could do this work part-time and mother my seven children without it taking a toll.  It's certainly flattering to have someone recognize and value talents which have been employed mainly within the home for the last 15 years...

  However, the time had come to gently disengage myself from that position and turn off "mothering auto- pilot".  It's time to fully engage with the shrieking children who are also the face of innocence as they slip into their dreams during evening's twilight.  Now is the only moment I'm offered to live through the reality of sleepy bed-heads stumbling toward me with outstretched arms needing to be hugged into the new day.  And I am in no way judging working parents- I am in awe of all they must accomplish on an ongoing daily basis.  I am simply stating...with a sigh of relief...I tried it and now I know that is NOT what I am to be doing at this stage in my life.  HOWEVER, more to come in upcoming posts to the exciting things I AM being called to move forward with!!! (hint...it involves publishing!)

  I would absolutely LOVE and be thrilled to no ends if you'd post a comment to let me know if you can relate (even a teensy bit) to this saga.  Or if there's anything you've learned from working in or out of the home.  Thank you dear readers!

A Mother's Heart (by Diane Gallagher)

Guest blogger Wednesday :)

May is always an exciting month in our family.  With two birthdays (almost three since my youngest was born June 1), school nearing the end, opening our pool, and planting our gardens, our house is pretty lively.  Add a First Holy Communion and the start of summer soccer, and you have borderline chaos.  Often times, in the midst of all this, we forget to take time to honor the Lady of the Month….the Blessed Mother.  Truthfully, I have not always totally been able to relate to our Lady.  Respect her?  Absolutely!  Ask for her intercession?  You bet.J  Turn to her for interior advice?  Not so much.  You see, there were three obstacles to a more intimate relationship with Mary:  1.) She had only one child while I have seven. 2.)  Jesus was perfect.  How hard could that be? 3.)  Mary was immaculate, and I am far from that. 

Of course, anyone with a more mature devotion to our Lady would probably not struggle with these issues, but they were very real to me.  I continued to appreciate the rosary and was inspired by her fiat (her total submission to God’s will), but I just could not turn to her for guidance in my mothering.  We were just way too different.  Because of my love for my faith and my desire to grow, I did not allow myself to be satisfied with this “unrelatable relationship.” Through prayer, conversations with friends, the wisdom of my spiritual director, and reading Pope John Paul’s encyclical on Mary, I slowly began to open my eyes to the real Blessed Mother.  Even though she had only one perfect child, she could certainly understand the pangs of a mother’s heart:  the worry, the sadness, the anger at His persecutors. 

While Mary did not succumb to temptation, she surely felt similar frustrations, exhaustion, and sufferings.  Just as I feel insecure in my parenting, she surely must have had doubts in raising the Son of God.  Most importantly, I began to see that even if she could not relate to my exact emotion or struggle at the time, she could still be compassionate and wise in her response to me.  Just the other day, I was speaking with a friend who is having some problems.  I do not have the same problems, but I listened attentively to her, offered her comfort and support and am praying for her situation.  Other times, I am able to commiserate with a struggling friend because we share similar burdens. 

Mary, as the Immaculate Mother of God, does a much better job than I do.   And she understands more than I know.  I forget that she was a young teen becoming pregnant out of wedlock.  She had to give birth in a stable with only Joseph as her support instead of in the comfort of her home surrounded by friends and family.  She had to flee to a foreign land to protect her newborn.  Very real situations.  Very challenging.  To think I felt like she could not understand me!  The real problem was that I just did not really understand her.  Mary, Queen of Mothers, pray for us!

Live It:  Let’s pray a daily decade of the rosary or even a whole rosary throughout the month of May. 

Parenting: "By the Book" or Not So Much (by Diane Gallagher)

Guest blogger Wednesday : )

Have you ever been wandering through a bookstore and realized how many books have been published about parenting?   It's a hot market!  It makes sense because every new parent wants the key to raising a happy, healthy and holy child.  We hope and pray that the answer will be in that book.  As an avid book reader and a frustrated perfectionist, sometimes I feel that I have read more books than I should have. Often, I have been inspired ( Lisa Whelchel’s Creative Correction). Occasionally, I have been challenged.  But most often, the parenting books I read foster guilt or confusion:  guilt because of all the things I am not doing or should be doing differently; confusion because they offer conflicting advice.  Try reading Dr. Dobson’s Dare to Discipline next to William Sear’s Baby Book and Tracy Hoag’s The Baby Whisperer ( I'm sure I'vejust dated myself….these were the popular parenting books when I was first having babies. There are certainly new books filling the shelves of the parenting section today). 

Where is the truth?  Which one is right?   Should I let my baby cry it out or respond to his every whimper.  Should I spank or only use timeouts?  Should I nurse on demand or follow a set nursing schedule?   Circumcisions?  Immunizations? Home schooling?  Working Mom or Stay at home?  All sides offer loads of data, examples and psychological analysis to defend their stance.  What is a new, vulnerable parent to do?  Feel guilty and confused, that’s what.  Motherhood is hard enough in and of itself without the self-inflicted emotional torture we can put ourselves through.  The best piece of advice,( that I did not learn from a book, I might add), is to be myself.  Not the Mother I think I should be or that Dr. Dobson is encouraging me to be or that my friends are doing differently.  Just plain little old me.  Over the last 12 years of parenting, I've come to know myself better as a mother.  Amy Grant’s song “All I Ever Have to be is what you Made Me” has such a perfect message for all ages.  God has created me (and my husband) with unique personalities.  A parenting technique or choice that might be “spot on” for one couple might feel uncomfortable and wrong for another.  I have finally learned that I do not need to feel guilty because we stopped home schooling and enrolled our children at the nearby Catholic school or that I left my 11 month old baby with my in-laws while my husband and I traveled to Rome for my brother’s diaconate. 

These were choices that some of my friends (and some of the authors I mentioned) would not have made.  I am finally learning that all I truly do have to be is the mother God made me.  I no longer read many parenting books.  I have had enough of books telling me who I should be.  My Creator is the One who truly knows who I am and that is where I should be looking.  He has made me …with all of my strengths and weaknesses… and I need to trust that while He has not made me perfect, He has made me the perfect mother for my children.

Live It: The next time you feel either unsure, undecided, or inadequate as a parent, say a prayer or read Scripture instead of a book to find guidance and peace.