Frozen

FROZEN: It’s everywhere.  It’s captured the attention of the great, white Northeast as we are encapsulated within the “Polar Vortex.”  Its humor has attracted thousands of movie goers with the latest animated Disney movie to hit the big screen.  It has even wriggled deep into my very being … further than my skeletal structure which clatters with each brutal wind hurling itself against our windows.  Frozen has moved beyond making me cold…it has claimed my heart, emotions, and focus.  In my life I had become … FROZEN- stuck in a rut of inertia.

   Clearly, the weather had an effect on more than just my blue fingertips and visible steaming breath. Icy roads, two-hour school delays, school closings, and the biting winds were NOT the culprits behind my inability to think and move forward with ideas, joy, and a simplicity of being.  Deep within me I knew it was more than Seasonal Affect Disorder- a negative dip in emotions affected by lack of sunshine.  We are particularly prone to that disorder in the Lake Erie region.  I was rooted in place for sure … but this disorder was not at the root of what was blocking my way to progress.  Yes, it had affected my mood … but the scope of my deep-freeze was more than emotions.

Well then, what was going on?  Seriously, this question was plaguing me.  “What is wrong with me?” I can’t seem to get myself together … something is off kilter.

  I had recently experienced wonderful momentum of reaching people with the launch of my first book, TRIUMPH.  This current feeling of being stuck was a stark contrast with the last few months. “Now what?” and “DO SOMETHING!” shouted at me on an internal repetitive track that was at once deafening and exhausting. 

  That was it … I was weary.

   I had grown frustrated and tired of not seeing a clear path before me.  I had not noticed that I had daily piled on “one more thing” to my plate.  With each new struggle: problems with the kid’s school, bills needing to be paid, feeling helpless with terminally ill family members, argument within the home ... etc.  “Lord,” I pleaded, “If you just TELL me  what to do…I will do it.”  It was the nagging “Do Something,” and not having a clue what “something” was that was dragging me further into a murky state of unrest.

  Ironically, in the midst of this dredge I had conversed with different friends and offered a bit of advice from an experience that had always brought me peace.  I suggested they take a QUIET moment and JUST BE with a song that takes them out of themselves.  “Don’t ask God for anything,” I had said, “just tell Him “I am here.”  Remember, He’s never stopped being there for you- this is just you saying here I am. And then let go … listen to His response.”

 
Last night I took my own advice … and the thaw began.   

  Weary from life and my own internal pest urging me on to something I could not grasp … I laid it down beside my frozen body, mind, and soul then turned up the song “Worn” by Tenth Avenue North.

 The ice which had held my heart captive melted and flowed from my eyes as I let go of my incessant need to DO SOMETHING … and trusted the Words of Be Still and Know that I am God (Psalm 46:10). 

  I was right … I had turned inward over the past few months.  As the external weather continued to chill I had tried to warm myself by my own sheer will.  I had used frenetic action- running from task to task to stay “warm” instead of seeking the Fire that burns in stillness and Peace.  The authority of I AM that IS, HAS BEEN, AND ALWAYS WILL BE had not moved … I had.  The further I strayed from His time frame of the seasons: Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall … the more confused I became.  I tried to set my own timing til I became frozen in a winter that lost sight of spring.

  Even as I look outside my window and see my garden covered in a blanket of chunky ice and snow … I know from years of experience that there is much going on beneath that frozen layer.  Even something as seemingly non-consequential as the breakdown of mulch which will bear fertile ground … is imperative if there is to be growth come Spring. I had merely lost sight.  I had forgotten the value of “just being.”  I had failed to trust that activity was happening beneath what I could see.  

  If and when you find yourself Frozen … find your song.  Allow your heart to soften and remember you need only to say … “Here I am.”  He’s been waiting for you.

Silent Night...sort of

"Giiiiirls," I want to roar to my daughters and niece loudly giggling upstairs, "go to SLEEP!"  But I don't.  I just sit here on the couch, tucked under my new Christmas gift- a heated fleece blanket, and listen to the symphony of gently competitive snores composed by my husband and chocolate lab pup.  I watch what was once a roaring fire simmer down to winking embers and cast a lazy glance at the frozen screen on my t.v.  Why, I wonder, would anyone want to watch the next episode of Shark Week on Netflix?  Especially during the Christmas octave...what happened to all the sweet Holiday movies which accompanied the wee hours filled with wrapping and baking a mere week ago?  I will keep this question to myself and allow my tired husband to peacefully snooze away lest he defend why he chose this as night time viewing pleasure to begin with.
 However, on this particular night...at 11:45 p.m. when all is finally reaching a near state of calm in our home which houses 9 of us (plus said niece for the night) I prefer to sit and take in the sound of the furnace softly whirring, hear the water that runs as our soon to be 17 year-old brushes his teeth.  I look over at the dangling foot of our ten-year old curled up, fast- asleep on the recliner (hey, it's vacation...and three of his siblings were allowed to fall asleep in our bed), and I am grateful for the ordinary moments.

  This has been a holiday of the glorious mundane.  I did not go out much.  I did a gazillion loads of laundry and loaded the dishwasher countless times.  I made several pots of hot chocolate to warm fingers that were numbed in soaked mittens now littering every inch of heater vent on the first floor...maybe the second floor as well.  I picked up dozens of candy wrappers from now-flattened stockings and swept up more than a few broken ornaments- and I am Peaceful.  I am content.  I do not feel short-changed by viewing smiling faces from the Bahamas on Facebook and I can not even claim to feel ashamed that I did not get out family photos in Christmas cards...well, hope springs eternal...I still have a bit of time.  I AM thankful for every card and photo that arrived in our mail- they put a smile on my face as I walked to the washing machine for the umpteenth time.  I am happy to "just be" these days.
  I am simply grateful that in my life, which feels precarious right now with my oldest sister fighting for her life against an incredibly progressed state of cancer and a brother-in-law battling to breathe due to cancer...I can have these rare moments that feel normal and PEACE-full.  I know tomorrow is a new day with new beauties and different challenges...but THIS moment...this quiet time...is for reveling in.  Even the giggling upstairs has mellowed to an occasional muffled "sshhh" above me.
 Well, hello...what's this?  My eldest son, done brushing his teeth pokes his head around the corner "Good night Mom."  "Good night son, I love you."  "So," he asks, "Have you given any thought to my birthday request?" Uuuum, I feel a bit like a deer in the headlights as I honestly cast around in my weary memory-bank but come up empty-handed.  "Sorry honey, I'm drawing a blank here." He casts a glance toward his sleeping father and bravely reminds me, "about the tattoo? Ok...good night then, I'd like to talk with you and Dad together...soon."  Siiigh...I was wise to revel in the Peace while I could.  Well, perhaps I'm to realize in the scope of issues out there...this is small.  And if he is the first of seven children...this will one day feel mundane.  One day.
  My faded fire has found it's second wind...the heater has kicked on again.  I figure I must have strength and composure stored up in me somewhere.  I'm sure my sister would give anything for a son's tattoo to to be the most dramatic thing she could imagine as opposed to her markers being "off the charts."  I'd be willing to bet my heated fleece that my other sister would gladly tattoo "Alleluia" across her forehead if her husband could heal from this dreaded disease.
  It is quiet again.  Silent Night.
 I am Peaceful. Holy Night. 
I am grateful for the many blessings of this moment and for every grace I've been given to help me slow down and appreciate these very moments...where at present...All is Calm.

     

TRIumph is launched and NOW AVAILABLE!

  An amazing...and surreal evening- one week ago tonight.  My family was introduced and the mic was turned over ... with expectant eyes falling upon me while they awaited "the story". 

  It had been four years and some months since my husband and I discovered the seventh child we were expecting was diagnosed with Trisomy 18 while in the womb.  Briefly- and it's ok if you don't know what this genetic condition is because we surely didn't until we faced it- Trisomy18 is a chromosomal defect which deemed our son "incompatible with life."  When we asked how long would we have with our son we were told, "Most children with this condition, who survive birth, will not live to see their first birthday."

  We lived through the exasperating unknowns and were blessed to give birth to John Michael and hold our son for 48 hours before he was to go home- to heaven. 

  Seems so strange to be able to write that so simply...never without emotion...always with a full heart. 

  I have written the full story of this experience and am excited to share that the book launch was a wonderful, dreamy success and the book is now available and offered with the HOPE that the insights, LOVE, and understanding we gained along the way might give solace to all as they face their own dark period of difficulty.  The book is called TRIumph: A Story of Finding Hope In A Love That Knows No Bounds.  You can learn more, and if desired, purchase TRIumph at www.triumph-story.com

  Thank you so much for your support, love, and prayers over the years.

  **My son, I know you came to this earth- and our family for a short time and with a specific purpose. Already I have witnessed the large impact you made on our family and community- what an honor that has been. As your story begins to take flight...it shall be with fond remembrance of your heart beating under my own...that I thrill to the reality that others will have the chance to "meet you" and learn of Love that comes with the Peace of a surrendered will . ** ~Mommy to son   

Labor of Love

Whew!  What a process!  Four years gestation from conception to birthing suite. I come bringing joyous tidings to all of you who have patiently paced the halls and steadfastly visited the vending machines in the waiting room. Behold, our literary message of hope is about to be delivered.  There was no breach.  No Cesarean due to any emergent crisis -- not even an epidural.  This book, TRIumph, is being born on it's own time schedule and (trust me) ... no amount of cajoling, crying, or pleading would bring it to fruition a second sooner than it was meant to be delivered and released to the public.  As a matter of fact, a couple of months ago, I was having a minor pity party (as any expectant woman might complain a bit after FOUR long YEARS.) A very wise friend  recently  said, "Susan, God is getting His AUDIENCE ready to read this book."  Which was an excellent reminder to me to just "chill out," relax about the timing and let God do His thing.

  All this to say..."TRIumph" A Story of  Finding Hope in a Love That Knows No Bounds is finally at the printer.  It will be arriving within the next three weeks. These last few years have provided me the opportunity to process the experience of carrying of our son, John Michael, in utero while knowing he was not destined to be with us long -- as well as the intense experience of his birth and the heartbreak of his death two days later.  I've not shared our story to make you weep or cause you sorrow at the loss of our son.  I am offering you this window into one of the most difficult yet incredibly blessed moments of our lives in order that you may witness the unique beauty that comes with finding HOPE in the midst of turmoil and hardship. What I’ve learned is if you seek and submit to God's will in the roller coaster of life ... even when the downward spiral is breathtakingly terrifying and dark, the rush of His love is sure to follow. You can be assured He will always carry you to safety and TRUST the path you are on is of His making.

Are YOU ready?

  Interesting day today... Interesting summer these past couple months.  Tonight summed up my reaction to summer while I was walking my kiddos through the school halls for Open House and another mom smiled and asked me "Are YOU ready?"  Of course I knew she was asking if I was more than anxious to have the children back in school and I only briefly hesitated before smiling and answered, "Ya know...it's been a GREAT summer!  It went way too fast!"

  The cool thing about that response... I meant it from the bottom of my heart!

   To be sure- we had our moments: 5 ticks removed from the family as a whole, after our annual trip to Cook Forest- one of those bites ensured a trip to the E.R. due to the pink raised rash indicating Lyme's disease... no worries, antibiotics work wonders!  There was 1 swallowed plastic blow-dart tip.  This caused yet another trip to the E.R.- again, all is well- the digestive tract of a six-year old is miraculously resilient.  We averaged an estimated 20 shoes/flip-flops (per month) chewed just beyond the point of usage by our newest member of the family- MILLIE our five-month old chocolate lab.  We heralded in 2 new scrapes of white vinyl fence tattooed on our van by our 16 year-old, permit-carrying, eldest son.  However these minor set-backs were easily outshone by a zillion fireflies which deserved the countless oohs and ahhh's followed by at least 6 mason jars zinging around the yard in attempt to catch nature's teeny flashlights.  Of course we had the expected countless sibling squabbles.  However, those were quickly squashed by my mantra "When you are nicer to your friends than you are to your brothers and sisters you LOSE your friend privileges."  Amazing how the laughter that rings from inside the pool walls seems to echo louder than the arguments already forgotten as a new cry for "WHIRLPOOL" is hurled and the "sibling-only" masses all head in the same circular direction to create an undertow worthy of calling out the Coast Guard as the same crew now fights the "flow" with the new command, "SWITCH!" 

  My secret to sanity in these summer months?  It was a realization I had years ago while I felt the temptation to throw my hands up in surrender.  I envisioned my children in their weakness...with their ability to throw tantrums and drive me crazy- and it hit me- I am their MOTHER.  Who else could see their beautiful talents and gentle spirits DESPITE the kicking and screaming happening in that moment?  Who else could love them through the bad mood they were exhibiting during any particular hour knowing full well that when the stormy hormones had passed they would curl up in my offered hug and offer an apology... probably as confused by their inability to control their emotions as their willingness to atone for it.  It is MY privilege to get to hang-out and witness, first-hand, the growth that each of these young humans are experiencing on a daily basis.  I GET TO influence and encourage the amazing contribution to the whole society that these children are growing into. And in the same way I am their MOTHER...they are MY people... my PEEPS, my crew, the group I choose to call my own.  They have my back in their tiny (though swiftly growing larger) hands.  I love them- the good and bad.  And they accept me- the good and grouchy.

  And it is with this realization that the days of summer pass swiftly as we expect nothing other than to see where the day at hand will take us.  We keep it simple, give each other a chance at forgiveness- and let the squabbles go.  We have learned to see the beauty in our flowers, the shapes in the clouds, and the joy in living with your best friends.

  Am I ready to see them board the school bus again?  I will miss them.  I will welcome the new joys that come with this season that is inevitable...the season of learning.  Yet, I believe at times- it is I that have the most to learn- from THEM...those that are "my Peeps."