Clearly, the
weather had an effect on more than just my blue fingertips and visible steaming
breath. Icy roads, two-hour school delays, school closings, and the biting
winds were NOT the culprits behind my inability to think and move forward with
ideas, joy, and a simplicity of being.
Deep within me I knew it was more than Seasonal Affect Disorder- a
negative dip in emotions affected by lack of sunshine. We are particularly prone to that disorder in
the Lake Erie region. I was rooted in
place for sure … but this disorder was not at the root of what was blocking my
way to progress. Yes, it had affected my
mood … but the scope of my deep-freeze was more than emotions.
Well then, what was going on? Seriously, this question was plaguing
me. “What is wrong with me?” I can’t seem to get myself together … something
is off kilter.
I had recently
experienced wonderful momentum of reaching people with the launch of my first
book, TRIUMPH. This current feeling of
being stuck was a stark contrast with the last few months. “Now what?” and “DO
SOMETHING!” shouted at me on an internal repetitive track that was at once
deafening and exhausting.
That was it … I was weary.
I had grown frustrated and tired of not seeing
a clear path before me. I had not noticed
that I had daily piled on “one more thing” to my plate. With each new struggle: problems with the kid’s
school, bills needing to be paid, feeling helpless with terminally ill family
members, argument within the home ... etc. “Lord,” I pleaded, “If you just TELL me what to do…I will do it.” It was the nagging “Do Something,” and not
having a clue what “something” was that was dragging me further into a
murky state of unrest.
Ironically, in the
midst of this dredge I had conversed with different friends and offered a bit
of advice from an experience that had always brought me peace. I suggested they take a QUIET moment and JUST
BE with a song that takes them out of themselves. “Don’t ask God for anything,” I had said,
“just tell Him “I am here.” Remember,
He’s never stopped being there for you- this is just you saying here I am. And
then let go … listen to His response.”
Last night I took my own advice … and the thaw began.
Weary from life and my
own internal pest urging me on to something I could not grasp … I laid it down
beside my frozen body, mind, and soul then turned up the song “Worn” by Tenth
Avenue North.
The ice which had
held my heart captive melted and flowed from my eyes as I let go of my incessant
need to DO SOMETHING … and trusted the Words of Be Still and Know that I am God
(Psalm 46:10).
I was right … I had
turned inward over the past few months.
As the external weather continued to chill I had tried to warm myself by
my own sheer will. I had used frenetic
action- running from task to task to stay “warm” instead of seeking the Fire
that burns in stillness and Peace. The
authority of I AM that IS, HAS BEEN, AND ALWAYS WILL BE had not moved … I
had. The further I strayed from His
time frame of the seasons: Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall … the more confused I
became. I tried to set my own timing til
I became frozen in a winter that lost sight of spring.
Even as I look
outside my window and see my garden covered in a blanket of chunky ice and
snow … I know from years of experience that there is much going on beneath that
frozen layer. Even something as
seemingly non-consequential as the breakdown of mulch which will bear fertile
ground … is imperative if there is to be growth come Spring. I had merely lost
sight. I had forgotten the value of
“just being.” I had failed to trust that
activity was happening beneath what I could see.
If and when you find
yourself Frozen … find your song. Allow
your heart to soften and remember you need only to say … “Here I am.” He’s been waiting for you.
